THIS MAN

is the love of my life and my best friend. we are celebrating 18 years of marriage together. My last entry was about time and wow, time just flies. This entry is a testimony of God's goodness in our lives.

eighteen years ago two young kids got married - literally I was 19 and Kevin was 20. I look at 19 and 20 year olds now and realize we really were just kids.

not having a clue about life just knowing we were in love and wanted to spend our lives together. we came quickly to realize that fairytales are not real life and between then and now we have hit mountian tops and valleys. True love is about give and take and about laying down our own needs to meet the needs of the other. While we dont have a perfect marriage - we have learned a lot in the past 18 years, we have a blessed marriage because we are finding that perfect love is from God and when we seek after Him together and keep him center, then we have His great love to give to each other.

we talk about our dating days (yes we were high school sweetheart and we tell our kids they cant date until college) we used to dream and plan what we wanted our lives to look like - four kids, home on land with a pole barn, Kevin wanted his own building business, I wanted to stay home with the kids, we wanted to pole barn to be filled with four wheelers and a fishing boat, and seriously we dreamed about having two dogs, one old english sheep dog (named prisilla) and a golden retriever (named cody). A life of comfort and pleasure and yes for the blessing of God on it all.

Any one that knows us, knows that God gave us everything that we desired - we are living this dream down to the two dogs - except the names are webster and cooper.

Two years ago, we felt a strong push from God to put our home up for sale, that call revealed a lot about us and how much worth we put into our home and what we had and about how we loved our comfort . It was one of the hardest things to surrender, it took us a year to actually surrender. I remeber the night we put the sign in the front yard, our family prayed that God would send a buyer and prayed for direction. Kevin and I walked down pounded the sign in by the street and then walked to the pole barn and looked at all the abundance that God had given us and we were totally humbled and overwhelmed at the realization that God had given us everthing that our hearts had desired.

The last ten years have been full of rich memories with raising our family, living next to my brother and sister in law and their three boys and doing life with them and all of us growing together. God has also brought along other amazing people and we have learned so much about God and his heart and Jesus and his blood sacrifice, and the power and leading of the Holy Spirit, and He is exchanging our heart of stone into hearts of flesh. He is showing us from the depths that we have been rescued.

He has humbled us by trials we have faced, He has humbled us through our kids, watching them grow and becoming more independent. we are finding and expereincing that truly there is nothing that last forever, season change, people come and go, making money one day and losing money the next, having your health and losing your health, the realization that each day we have with our loved ones here on earth is a gift, that there are no guarentees - our family has walked alongside close friends that lost their 15 year daughter in a car accident 1 1/2 yrs ago. The pain that everyone carries - it is raw and real. It just magnifies the truth that JESUS is our only HOPE and JESUS is our only ROCK.

God is teaching Kevin and I that real living is being real about our own pain and joy, and entering into the pain and joy of others. It is about rejoicing with those rejoicing and weeping with those that weep. Real living is comuning with the God of the Universe, its saying "Here I am - Send me" its about steeping out of the boat, and finding yourself walking on the water - and looking up and seeing its Jesus's hand holding you up.

These past eighteen years have been full of God's outpouring blessing, I know in the past we had taken all that we have for granted... And now we say

who am i , O LORD God, and what is my family that you have brought us this far.

And so looking to the next 18 years + our dreams are different - we are more concerned about blessing God than about God blessing us. we want to build on the last eighteen years and have more faith and proclaim that our God is faithful and good - and even though our dreams were our own dreams - God has used us inspite of us and met us and continues to meet us right where we are at. - now that is amazing.

I am so thankful for my man - the man that God put in my life to journey with. The most amazing thing is that we are growing together in Christ, Kevin is growing each day in the love and knowledge of Jesus, he is humble, hardworking, so hardworking, he provides and protects us, he loves me and reminds me everyday of that, he loves being a dad and is so good at it and he is courageous and he is willing to surrender all our plans and dreams for God's plans. He has an adventerous spirit and he is a "get r done" guy, he will do anything for anyone. I tell everyone that while young love is good - old love is even better.

we are still living at our home, God didnt sell it (not yet) but we are learning that part of this journey is holding on to things loosely and holding on to Jesus with all our might. There is so much freedom in that. whether it be our home, our job, our church, our plans and dreams, our friends, even our children and each other, if we can walk in total surrender each day (and we are just in the learning stages of this) - then we can freely love each other and the world around us.

Jesus, shine through us as individuals, as a married couple, and as a family. Be glorified. We bless you Father. Thank you for lavishing us with your love, for calling us yours. Thank you for a blessed marraige and for the past 18 years. All that we have and all that we are - Jesus - we surrender.

I will end with my favorite verse - that has held true for us -

Delight in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Ps 37:4

TIME

2009... where does time go. i cant believe that i have a teenager, that my baby is in second grade and that i have been married almost (feb 1) 18 years. i cant believe that it was over two weeks ago when winter break started and now the kids are back into school. the 1st of the month always seems to be here to pay bills, months change, season change, life seems to be going so fast and i am realizing more and more that "life is vapor".

time... it seem like i am always fighting against time in one sense and trying to wait paitently for God's time in another sense.

For to him a thousand years are like a day.

2009 i want to be very aware of where my time is spent. time is something that we can never get back and it is a gift from God. What i do with my time i will be held accountable for.

the last two teachings on sunday have challenged me to be more about the Kingdom of God. a tell tale of where my heart is, is where i spent my time and energy.

hunger and thirst for righteousness - for theirs is the kingom of God

God's ways are amazing, His ways are true and good. I am total desperate to fall onto him and ride on his mercy and grace.

I want to make my home a place of security for kevin and the kids to come home to. i want time to sit at the feet of my saviour and know him more and pray on behalf of my family and others who need him. i want to be reminded every moment of my desperate state. i want to draw near to jesus so he will draw near to me. i want to meditate on his words and i want to memorize his promises. i want to draw out the noises of this world and chaos.

as i type i fight with the feelings of being very selfish. i know God wants - no he commands - that we go into the world proclaiming Jesus. But i am finding out that I cant proclaim until i am filled and my first place to proclaim my love for Jesus is to my family and then to the world. not the other way around.

time keeps ticking by, as i see how fast my kids are growing, as i am witnessing and realizing that the things i teach to my kids about life - the truths about this life and life eternal - is going quickly so quickly.. im so very proud of each of them. they have hearts softened to the things of the Kingdom by God's grace.

it may look a little bit different at my home than what is has... starting with me i want to hunger and thirst for righteousness, and i want kevin, sawyer,ally,brayden and logan to hunger and thirst for righteousness. it is saying no - to the things of the world that bid our time - and that is going to take leading and discernement from the Spirit - and it will be saying yes - to things that matter. if i am not teaching and living out what it looks like to live in the world but not of it - then where will my kids see it. everything is going fast - we live in a high speed, instant world - the faster and louder the better.

2009 - if anything can be said at the end of this year come what may - (and believe me there are some huge unknowns out there) - is that i/we have drawn closer to our loving Father and He has drawn close to us. Im claiming all 6 of us on this promise.

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires or those who fear him and hears their cry and saves them. ps 145:18&19

The LORD is exalted for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness.
He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich storage of salvation and wisdom and knowledge, the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure. Is33:5&6

im starting with these two promises, ones that God continues to bring to mind. may i walk in obediance and somehow through His goodness look a little more like my Jesus. Be glorified Jesus in my life in my family. - I cant wait to see where the journey brings us this year.

Kids say the darnest things...

over this weekend we watch Elf. to me Christmas isnt Christmas without watching Elf. i know a little weird... It is a hilarious movie (at least I think so, Kevin on the other hand well lets just say no so much...)

anyways... all weekend long the kids and i were saying lines and singing songs off Elf. (especially Logan) any one that knows logan knows that he loves a good time and getting him hooked on something is easy to do. His favorite song on Elf is when Elf meets his dad for the first time and sings him a song. - the song is hilarious -

Sunday night we were saying our prayers and Logan was praying and at the end he sings to Jesus ... I love you I love you I love you Elf style.

I dont know - i got to believe that Jesus got a kick out of that - i am still laughing about it - Kevin on the other hand... you that know kevin-his reaction made the whole thing even funnier. Life is funny isnt it... i got to learn not to take it or myself to seriously... enjoy the laughter a little more...

Jesus... he loves to celebrate - he's getting ready for a celebration of all celebrations... this Christmas season lets let all the life struggles and problems go - lay them down - and lets celebrate the King of Kings, Emmanual, God is with us -lets do a little dancing, a little laughing, a little singing (elf style?! maybe not)

Remembering....

Yesterday we had "simple church" just the six of us as a family. it was a time of testifing to God's greatnss in each of our lives over the past year.

We have a jar that we put stones in to remind us of God's faithfulness.

It was a sweet time and a time of renewing my own faith. Looking back just over this last year and hearing each one of the kids give testimony of Jesus Christ in their own lives and Kevin and I sharing was a time of renewing our hope. I want to give testimony of just a few things our family is so very thankful for, prayers that have been answered and evidence of God's finger on our lives.

Ally -
thankful for making new friends in school,
thankful for her teachers,
thankful that she seen God in real ways is Africa - experiencing that you don't need things to find true joy and that Jesus is more than enough - she learned this through Portia(Zimbabwean)
so thankful for chelsea, michelle, cheraya and missy for loving her and showing her what is means to live whole heartily for Jesus) (you four girls have no idea what you did for ally this summer - thank you from the bottom of my heart - i love you all too)

Brayden -
thankful for improving in writing and reading
thankful for being in south africa - learned so much about Jesus - learned alot from Tim and sbu - both lived in masi - live a life of sacrifice for jesus and are both full of joy and love. also learned a lot from beckie - a little boy in masi (10 yrs old) that always had a smile on his face and was out going even though he didnt have much.
thankful for danmike, brad and jeremiah - thanks guys

Logan -
thankful that grandpa van is cancer free
thankful for being in mrs fergusons classroom
thankful that he is getting better at reading
thankful that God keeps him safe when we walk in his ways

sawyer -
thankful for the time in south africa -
thankful for simeon (white southafrican) and tim. learned a lot from both about being a believer of Jesus. thankful for the time each one gave him.
thankful for danmike, brad and jeermiah - thankful for the time and love they give him - and also for being example to him about what it looks like to live your life total committed to God's way and the joy and peace you have living that way.
thankful for healing his broken foot - God did a miracle on sawyers foot this past month - sawyer broke it playing basketball and was told that he would be out 4 - probably 6 weeks - but God thought 1 1/2 weeks would do. and so sawyer not thinking that he would play any b-ball this season only sat out 3 games. pretty unbelievable.

kevin-
God has provided work for him - even after the company that gave him 90% of the work over the last 5 years went bankrupt. God has brought along other great contractors to work for and we are not only grateful but humbled by the provision and heart of God.

Thankful for the opportunity to go to South Africa - there were many miracles that happen just to get us there

thankful for nelis,cedric and elias - mighty men that have been a picture of what Kevin wants his life to look like. men in love with their saviour and committed their lives and families to the work of the Kingdom - a life of total trust and surrender - despite circumstances - they proclaim with their lives God is good and worthy.
thankful that God is changing him - his heart - teaching him more about his ways

thankful for having peace in a very chaotic world - despite what things appear to be knowing that God always has our best.

thankful that he is seeing our kids growing in the ways of the LORD.

thankful for friends here - that continue to encourage and challenge him to live his life full of faith.

marcy (me)

thankful that God doesnt give up on me
thankful that God has shown more of his heart to me
thankful for the cross (the sacrifice of Christ and the love displayed there...there are no words...i want all the days of my life to grasp how deep,long,wide his love is for me..
thankful for the opportunity to spend time in SA - found home there -
thankful for inesa and christina, vovo and sylvia - women that i want to be like - women who love Jesus and his ways and love their families. living a full life and a life of faith
thankful for my family - kevin, sawyer, ally, brayden,logan - love my man more and more each year, and i feel so blessed that i am these fab four's mom - life is so full of love and laughter with each of you. i learn so much from you.

my parents - who have from day one been my example of God's love and grace - seeing them grow more in love with Jesus and with each other every year is footsteps that i want to follow in. my sisters kristi,kim,libby and brothers,curt,rod,john, nieces and nephews. so proud of each one of you.. we are all uniquely made and have all been called to different things pertaining to the Kingdom of God - but we are always there to encourage and cheer each other on. i love you all so much

my friends new and old - ive learned so much from each of you, so thankful to journey together with you. God uses you continually to show himself to me.

This list is just a few things that were highlighted yesterday. It is so good to look back, give thanks and it gives me - encouragement to walk forward knowing and believing whatever is ahead in this next year that God is faithful -

He has his eye roaming throughout the earth looking for those fully devoted to him and his ways

I dont know what God has planned for me, my family in this next year - but we want to be where He is at. over the last two years kevin and i have been feeling frustrated/discontent and we are praying into this " is this holy discontent or holy frustration? or just plain discontentment - and if it is that then forgive us Jesus but if this is from you then show us.

Our family, we are praying for specific direction - that God would be clear in his calling over us. please join us in that prayer.

As we celebrate the birth of our saviour JESUS CHRIST this season and really every day - we bless God, and say as David said

Who am i , O Sovereign LORD and what is my family, that you have brought me this far...

REAL HOPE

I did it again today - i confess that more than not lately - i can get caught into the cynical and the depressing talk which is going all over the place these days. the gloom and doom or the economy, the getting caught up in watching the stock market crash and then rebound. the words of debt, bailout, bankruptcy, no work, foreclosure, rates, governement, and on and on.

i dont mean to be insensitive, because this is real life for many, many people, it is real life to us, but... i so badly want to be like david - when he came back from battle - and all of his possesions, even his wives and children were taken and all the other warriors turned against David " but David found his strength in the LORD his God" 1sam30:6b

this is the time the church - Christ bride must arise and be a shining light. it is a ripe time. God's Word - the more I read it the more amazed I am - it is "alive and active" God does speak through these very pages. sometimes the message is convicting to a point where I need to search my heart and sometime it is encouraging but throughout the pages there is a consisent message - the message of Love and Redemption.

this picture is of a man who is near and dear to our hearts. his name is elais - kevin met him in south africa in the mall - him and logan drove me to mall to do some emailing and they bought a corndog from the stand that elias worked at. we know that it was a God ordained meeting - conversation began - and this man - represented Jesus to kevin and me in the purest way. kevin spent a lot of time with elias and the more he got to know him the more he loved him, and the more he learned about the purest part of the kingdom of God. - you see Elias is a modern day David.

His circumstances through our earthly view is horrible. he lives in a foreign land (his land Zimbabwea is war torn) he lives in a shack not even fit for animals, he was at this time - seperated from his wife and little boy (for 1 1/2 years) and he works harder than anyone and hardly makes enough to buy food and rent for himself.

And yet....Elias finds strength in the LORD his God. I remember kevin coming home from meeting with elias... so humbled to have spent time with this amazing man and learning sooo much from him about Jesus.

Elias - yes if anyone could get down and angry and full of panick he could and no one would blame him - but through the faithfulness of God to his promises:

"the LORD is near to all who call on him...in truth He fulfills the desires of those that fear him, he hears there cry and saves them." ps 145:18

you see - elias is part of the kingdom of God - the kingdom has broken in his life and now it is breaking forth. God has put elias in a very dark place to be a light - and boy does he shine so very bright.


ps. to this story - God did reunited elias with his wife and son after 1 1/2 year of crying out to God. they arrived in masi last week. To God be the Glory. and thank you elias, your life has challenged us, touched us and changed us and we are so thankful for you and your beautiful family.

now the question is do i looking different to the world - am i speaking love and truth - and i bringing peace to a very chaotic place - am i - when it comes right down to it - living for my LORD - do i really trust my Fathers heart - am i finding my strength in the LORD my God - and am i offering His hope - the Hope that I have to the world around me.

despite circumstances, despite the thinking of the world. God's kingdom is really right side up in this upside down world.

i want to be a place of joy, peace, love, gentleness, kindness,goodness and self control. i want to represent jesus in the purest form. the only way is less of me jesus and more of you.

so tommorrow is a new day again - i think i just posted that last time - but it is truth that i need to cling to everyday - God's mercies are new every day - now that is the example of all examples of a Father's Heart. - thank you Father, for calling me child, and for lavishing me with your love and grace, thank you for running toward me everytime i wander wayward and you bring me back to you with your arms open wide, thank you for loving me enough to speak truth into me and wanting to shape me more into your image - help me be moldable and teachable.

thank you for our south african family, everyone one of them, elias and his family, nelis and inesa, cedric, and sylvia, vovo, christina, godknows and tim we continue to learn so much from them - bless them and keep them and make your face shine upon them and give them peace - in jesus most powerful and loving name - AMEN

i want to do this well - i want God to be gloirified in my life - i know that without him - i am no different than the world - BUT with him - He is our only HOPE and He is our Rock and our Salvation there is nothing to fear. God grant me Kingdom eyes and not earthly eyes.

Dreams...

It has been a long time since i wrote in this space. I have tried a couple times to post an entry but got distracted. Distraction has been a huge issue that i have been dealing with lately and i dont like it.

Today is the first snow fall - and it is cold. Im sitting in my living room with my two dogs enjoying the quiet and the warmth of the fire.

So much has been going on - in our heart (kevin and I). It feels like everything is changing around us and in us and it is exciting but for me very scary.

I am learning about myself that when I am introduced to something new from God i am like a deer in the head lights - I stand and shut down. That is why i need to proclaim Hab3:19. I am a creature of comfort and sameness.

I thought that when I came back from Africa - because getting me there was a journey in and of itself - i could settle back into life as usually - in fact i told a friend of mine - i cant wait till i dont have anything huge lingering over me - i want to live a "normal" life again. Be normal - be a "football mom" be active in my church and school and just get back to "normal".

So that is where I have been living in the past couple of months. And not even to say that it is a bad place - but what I have done is I havent been quiet before God - I havent expressed the desires of my heart, and God has opened my heart and eyes to things, that are now very much part of who i am and so really what is "normal" now. I have stone walled the dreams He has put there because to be frank - im tired and some of these dreams are way out there. so this is what i do - i dont want to go back to who i was - but im scared to make a move ahead because i dont know what that is - so i just sit. And I miss Jesus.

Kevin called me this morning from work and said - you got to listen to the song on the radio "Im coming home". And he reminded me in his sweet voice that todays a new day.

This post may sound like i am depressed - i dont feel depressed nor do i think i am but i also believe that that the devil will use depression, dissension and doubt and distraction to play games with Christ followers. I am dealing with the disatraction and doubt and i need to be at the feet of Jesus to have him replace my doubt with faith and i nned to "be still and know" Jesus quiet my mind - i pray for the mind of Christ. help me to take every thought captive and help me kmake them line up with Christ.

Yesterday at church we read the story of mary when she broke her alabaster jar of perfume on Jesus. And how throughout the gospel story - it was mary who was at Jesus feet. Mary knew - really knew Jesus. SHe knew him as her Christ - her saviour - she knew what it was going to cost Jesus his own life when he raised Lazurus, her brother from the dead - she got it. and she didnt care what anyone thought of her - she was willing to be a fool for Jesus and give everything she had and laid it at his feet. She understood that she needed a Saviour and what love her saviour had for her. She didnt give him 99% of her life she gave everything.

Oh i want to be like her. i felt God whispering over me yesterday - marcy get rid of the "but" "God you can have everything BUT this".

And so as the song says "im coming home" im laying it all at Jesus feet. Search me and know me dear jesus. Help me to dream big dreams - help my family to dream big dreams to partner up with the Living Christ and go and be whatever you may. Help me once again to wal by faith and not by sight. God i need your courage. Thank you for using Steph yesterday to speak truth into me. thank you for pursuing me again and bringing me back home.

Help me to dream dreams that may happen soon or that may happen later but in the process learn to live in the here and now and live each moment despereate for you and seeking opportunity to be your messanger. Forgive my lack of faith and disobediant heart. God you, through your awesome grace, began a good work in me - please let me walk in obediance so that your work can be complete. THe things that you have taught me over the last few months LORD - seal it in me - i dont want that work to fade and I dont want it to be taken from me. I want to continue to grow in your WORD and your TRUTH.

God's mercies are new each day - and so today i will walk in his mercy and in his strength.

Blessed is those who mourn for they will be comforted

Today a sweet boy who is in sawyer's 8th grade class went home to be with jesus. Jose - a quiet yet fun boy - to know jose was to love jose.

last night as we were talking with sawyer, he told us that the last few weeks that jose was in school this year - he was struggling with so much pain - but he wanted to be in school. sawyer gave us a wonderful picture of: each morning when jose would come into school - because he couldnt walk up stairs that well anymore - mr vander pol would wait for him by the door and scoop him up in his arms and carry him up the stairs. -

thank you mr vanderpol for showing jose love and security but also giving a clear picture of jesus to our kids and his character -scooping us up when we cant. showing love and being the safest place to run.

you see - jose has been in and out of hospitals since 2nd grade dealing with words called cancer,tumor, remission, inoperatable, chemotherapy, hospital, sickness, pain, tiredness. something nobody should have to deal with especially a young boy.

just another wake up call that we are not living in "eden" - that we arent made for this world - that the evil, sin and disease still are very promient here and that the reality that Jesus today is preparing a mansion for those that follow after him. jose is getting a tour of his mansion - and there is no hospital beds, or needles, no doctors - because he is dancing with his Healer today and he really is home.

my mom said some true words " Heavens gain our loss". very true very true.

dont you ever just get mad though - i get mad that a boy has to deal with cancer, i get mad that my sister vovo, in africa, is in stage 4 of aids, i get made at the millions of people going to bed hungry, i get mad at hearing and saying "we're so busy" we're so busy" busy with what!!!, i get mad that families are falling apart, i get mad that the devil is having hayday dividing communities over stupid things, i get mad that we live in culture where everything is performance base and outward appearanced based. i get mad at the pride, my own pride and the pride of this world.

ill start with me - i am desperate for Jesus to pour out himself into my every part of me - my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my mouth - because without him i get so off track - i start to believe the lies, i start to use my tongue to tear people apart, i start to give my heart to the things of this world and i cave into fear. with the holy spirit invading my being - i have his peace, i have his love and i have a confidence that i am a daugther of the King - the Creator of all things.

This world really has nothing for me - nothing - in fact i am getting more and more grossed out by what it trys to offer - a short lived high with a quaruenteed crash at the end.

jesus - be my peace - let me be your peace. without you my life is chaos - turn this sadness into dancing - and may people in this community fix their eyes on you, and may we start being a power force for your Kingdom instead of a divide.

thank you for jose - in his quiet tender spirit he represented you in a real way - may the memory of jose point many to you. may you populate heaven through the life that Jose lived and may he have the front row seat to seeing many coming to know you through his short but very courageous life. i know he is in the great cloud of witness cheering on his classmates - cheering them on toward things of the kingdom -

Your way - blessed are those that mourn for they will be comforted. Jesus, be with the Petroleas give them your comfort and strength. no parent should have to bury their child, that is not your way - thank you for taking on our sorrow, thank you for entering into this dark world and radianting your light, thank you for our hope in jesus, that this is not goodbye to jose - but well see you soon. and help us to love well the people that you put in our lives each day, lets not waste single opportunity to share your love to people - and may your grace be abounding. i love you jesus -