Dreams...

It has been a long time since i wrote in this space. I have tried a couple times to post an entry but got distracted. Distraction has been a huge issue that i have been dealing with lately and i dont like it.

Today is the first snow fall - and it is cold. Im sitting in my living room with my two dogs enjoying the quiet and the warmth of the fire.

So much has been going on - in our heart (kevin and I). It feels like everything is changing around us and in us and it is exciting but for me very scary.

I am learning about myself that when I am introduced to something new from God i am like a deer in the head lights - I stand and shut down. That is why i need to proclaim Hab3:19. I am a creature of comfort and sameness.

I thought that when I came back from Africa - because getting me there was a journey in and of itself - i could settle back into life as usually - in fact i told a friend of mine - i cant wait till i dont have anything huge lingering over me - i want to live a "normal" life again. Be normal - be a "football mom" be active in my church and school and just get back to "normal".

So that is where I have been living in the past couple of months. And not even to say that it is a bad place - but what I have done is I havent been quiet before God - I havent expressed the desires of my heart, and God has opened my heart and eyes to things, that are now very much part of who i am and so really what is "normal" now. I have stone walled the dreams He has put there because to be frank - im tired and some of these dreams are way out there. so this is what i do - i dont want to go back to who i was - but im scared to make a move ahead because i dont know what that is - so i just sit. And I miss Jesus.

Kevin called me this morning from work and said - you got to listen to the song on the radio "Im coming home". And he reminded me in his sweet voice that todays a new day.

This post may sound like i am depressed - i dont feel depressed nor do i think i am but i also believe that that the devil will use depression, dissension and doubt and distraction to play games with Christ followers. I am dealing with the disatraction and doubt and i need to be at the feet of Jesus to have him replace my doubt with faith and i nned to "be still and know" Jesus quiet my mind - i pray for the mind of Christ. help me to take every thought captive and help me kmake them line up with Christ.

Yesterday at church we read the story of mary when she broke her alabaster jar of perfume on Jesus. And how throughout the gospel story - it was mary who was at Jesus feet. Mary knew - really knew Jesus. SHe knew him as her Christ - her saviour - she knew what it was going to cost Jesus his own life when he raised Lazurus, her brother from the dead - she got it. and she didnt care what anyone thought of her - she was willing to be a fool for Jesus and give everything she had and laid it at his feet. She understood that she needed a Saviour and what love her saviour had for her. She didnt give him 99% of her life she gave everything.

Oh i want to be like her. i felt God whispering over me yesterday - marcy get rid of the "but" "God you can have everything BUT this".

And so as the song says "im coming home" im laying it all at Jesus feet. Search me and know me dear jesus. Help me to dream big dreams - help my family to dream big dreams to partner up with the Living Christ and go and be whatever you may. Help me once again to wal by faith and not by sight. God i need your courage. Thank you for using Steph yesterday to speak truth into me. thank you for pursuing me again and bringing me back home.

Help me to dream dreams that may happen soon or that may happen later but in the process learn to live in the here and now and live each moment despereate for you and seeking opportunity to be your messanger. Forgive my lack of faith and disobediant heart. God you, through your awesome grace, began a good work in me - please let me walk in obediance so that your work can be complete. THe things that you have taught me over the last few months LORD - seal it in me - i dont want that work to fade and I dont want it to be taken from me. I want to continue to grow in your WORD and your TRUTH.

God's mercies are new each day - and so today i will walk in his mercy and in his strength.

Blessed is those who mourn for they will be comforted

Today a sweet boy who is in sawyer's 8th grade class went home to be with jesus. Jose - a quiet yet fun boy - to know jose was to love jose.

last night as we were talking with sawyer, he told us that the last few weeks that jose was in school this year - he was struggling with so much pain - but he wanted to be in school. sawyer gave us a wonderful picture of: each morning when jose would come into school - because he couldnt walk up stairs that well anymore - mr vander pol would wait for him by the door and scoop him up in his arms and carry him up the stairs. -

thank you mr vanderpol for showing jose love and security but also giving a clear picture of jesus to our kids and his character -scooping us up when we cant. showing love and being the safest place to run.

you see - jose has been in and out of hospitals since 2nd grade dealing with words called cancer,tumor, remission, inoperatable, chemotherapy, hospital, sickness, pain, tiredness. something nobody should have to deal with especially a young boy.

just another wake up call that we are not living in "eden" - that we arent made for this world - that the evil, sin and disease still are very promient here and that the reality that Jesus today is preparing a mansion for those that follow after him. jose is getting a tour of his mansion - and there is no hospital beds, or needles, no doctors - because he is dancing with his Healer today and he really is home.

my mom said some true words " Heavens gain our loss". very true very true.

dont you ever just get mad though - i get mad that a boy has to deal with cancer, i get mad that my sister vovo, in africa, is in stage 4 of aids, i get made at the millions of people going to bed hungry, i get mad at hearing and saying "we're so busy" we're so busy" busy with what!!!, i get mad that families are falling apart, i get mad that the devil is having hayday dividing communities over stupid things, i get mad that we live in culture where everything is performance base and outward appearanced based. i get mad at the pride, my own pride and the pride of this world.

ill start with me - i am desperate for Jesus to pour out himself into my every part of me - my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my mouth - because without him i get so off track - i start to believe the lies, i start to use my tongue to tear people apart, i start to give my heart to the things of this world and i cave into fear. with the holy spirit invading my being - i have his peace, i have his love and i have a confidence that i am a daugther of the King - the Creator of all things.

This world really has nothing for me - nothing - in fact i am getting more and more grossed out by what it trys to offer - a short lived high with a quaruenteed crash at the end.

jesus - be my peace - let me be your peace. without you my life is chaos - turn this sadness into dancing - and may people in this community fix their eyes on you, and may we start being a power force for your Kingdom instead of a divide.

thank you for jose - in his quiet tender spirit he represented you in a real way - may the memory of jose point many to you. may you populate heaven through the life that Jose lived and may he have the front row seat to seeing many coming to know you through his short but very courageous life. i know he is in the great cloud of witness cheering on his classmates - cheering them on toward things of the kingdom -

Your way - blessed are those that mourn for they will be comforted. Jesus, be with the Petroleas give them your comfort and strength. no parent should have to bury their child, that is not your way - thank you for taking on our sorrow, thank you for entering into this dark world and radianting your light, thank you for our hope in jesus, that this is not goodbye to jose - but well see you soon. and help us to love well the people that you put in our lives each day, lets not waste single opportunity to share your love to people - and may your grace be abounding. i love you jesus -

The Fear of the LORD

Saturday our family met with some dear friends - friends that God has placed in our life to journey together. The time spent together was rich, we feasted, celebrated, and sought after God together. we share our joys and disappointments. we want to be a people that are real about our brokenness, our fears and our weakness. we want to be a people that can encourage one another and spur each other on. And we want to stand together in faith and pray big prayers for our kids.

This gave Kevin and I a great time of meditation and talking about really what is our mission with our kids - what is it. and we come back to Det 6 - Love God with all your heart, mind and strength and love others as yourself. What does this mean - what does this look like and who are they going to learn this from. - That would be us - I talk a lot and think a lot about simple church - could it be that it starts with our four treasured kids. That if we could model this and expereince God together as a family, then we could be used for the world.

My prayer is God show us - where do we begin with this simple mission yet the most challenging. In this world we are bombarded - with the lie of the evil one. Jesus calls the devil "prince of this world" and lately it seems like he has been winning lots of battle especially where our youth is concerned. He is on the prowl - coming back here after Africa - i was almost paralized by the shear dispair we live amongst. Negative additudes, fear, the news of gloom and doom, the election, the bailout, forclosure, putting so much value on things that have no worth for the Kingdom of God - yes we are in hard times - but you know i found myself going down the path of gloom and doom - but Scipture says".

"The LORD is excalted for he dwells on high, he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, He will be a sure foundation for your times, a rich storage of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure." Isaiah 33:5&6.

He will be a sure foundation for your times - a rich storage of salvation, wisdom and knowledge. the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure. - WOW

Starting with me Jesus - help me to fear you more than man. Help me to see you for who you really are. - You make the blind see - help me see.

We have the joy of the LORD - we are more that conqueors - our kids can be victourious in Jesus and so can we and do great things for His Kingdom. Our prayers as parents are these things.

God - may our kids above all fear you and know who you are - to really know your heart - that truly you are for us and not against us - that you lavish your love on us by calling us your children. And that your grace and love is huge - extrodinary.

That they would walk victourious in Jesus - and know your voice. over and over in your word you say that you lead in guide - they would be like Samuel - and at a very young age they would know your voice and follow you all the days of their life.

That they would love your Living Word. They would know that your Word is alive and active, and that it is Truth. that through your Word you would circumise their heart by your spirit and teach them your ways.

That they would be humble - that they would look at the interst of others over themselves and you would give them your heart that their heart would break over the things that break yours.

To have courage to stand tall for you. To become like David and Ester. To be warriors and warrioress for you.

And that would live a pure life and rest in the fact that you have their husband.wife already picked out for them and they would not fall to the sexual temptations of this world. And that right now you are raising their future mates to love you with all their hearts.

And to know that God has a purpose and plan for each one of them and that they are uniquely created in Gods image and in all that they do - do it for the glory of Jesus.

And to have a heart for the nations. To see the Kingdom of Jesus globally and have a love and ambition to go - into all nations proclaiming Christ.

And that when they do fail, that the first place they would run is to the throne of grace - to repent and hear Jesus say - through my sacrifice on the cross, through my blood, you are forgiven, i love you dear one - now go and live in my love and live out my love to others

Okay huge list - but it does sum up into Love God and Love others right.

I think the problem of this nation, families, indivuals is we have forgotten - Who are we, Why are we here. Maybe we should start asking ourselves this and our kids everyday and be reminded daily that:

We are God's children, His holy and dearly loved and chosen people, his ambassoders, his temple, his bride.

We are here to celebrate Jesus, to bring good news to a dark world, to take delight in rich community that centers on Jesus, really to bring heaven to earth, to bring peace into chaos.



God, you speak over my heart - become what you want your children to become. Jesus - i need so much grace and your love, wisdom, power and courage. Hide me behind the cross Jesus, and may our kids see only you.

It was said last night at an outreach meeting and it is words that I have pondered on " You see - God is God - He doesnt need us - and he uses us in spite of us - why? to bring joy to our lives. It is for us. It is for us. Isnt is true - when we expereince and share Jesus - joy always shows up - that's God heart to give us joy. Not always happiness -but joy

" I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete - ... Love others as I have loved you" - Jesus

Living Water

"If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver,costly stone, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of eeach man's work. If what he has survives, he will receive his reward, If it burns up, he will suffer loss, he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the fire." ICorinthians3:12-15

Bought a new devotional called Living Water by Brother Yun. I usually dont buy many devoitionals but a few years back i read The Heavenly Man - it was Brother Yun's story. He is a modern day Paul - and has an active part in the revial of the church in China. His story touched me deep and after reading it - it made me want what he had/has with Jesus.

This particular devitional is one i read last week but God is convicting me to go back and read and confess that since i have been back from Africa - I have been operating on my flesh and not His Spirit. I am in a dry season. I dont know why - maybe its because of the crazyness of life, or maybe because I was just in aplace where desperation was the normal and there was no where else to go, or maybe it is just me and my weakness and lazyness, and pride.

Maybe God looks the greatest when we can glorify him in the everyday mundane things of life. Maybe Faith is the greatest when the emotion or feeling isnt neccesarily there and you continue to open up Gods Word, and you continue to go face down in prayer.

I feel like the Israelites, who just witness God in massive ways and not so long turned to their own grumbling ways.

God forgive me, help me quiet myself before your throne of grace and pour out your Living Water in every part of my being.

You see walking in the Spirit really does bring joy, peace, love kindness, self control, gentleness and faithfulness.

How many things have I done in my own flesh. According to ICorn 3:12-15 they mean nothing to Christ, they will burn. The only things that will last are the things done not on my own strength but on the super natural power of the Holy Spirit working in me and through me.

"Be holy - just as I am holy", says Jesus - do you ever ask God - what were thinking when you picked me. I feel like God has spoken over me - dont waste too much time on that question marcy - my ways are huge and pride can be just as much thinking to much of yourself as when you think to little of yourself. because none of this is about you anyway - you can sit in your self pity or you can continue to pour yourself out and let me pour myself in and be part of the most awesome story ever told.

Yes I think that God looks great small things - when I love Kevin and the kids well, I know and they know when i am living in my flesh - it isnt pretty. To love and see every person that I come in contact each day through the eyes and heart of Jesus. To act on the promptings of the Holy Sprirt and to not take my self to seriously. Total surrender every moment of every day desperate for the filling of the Spirit.

A friend gave me these words that I keep going back to, also, May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity as you follow the Lord Jesus. Romans 15:5. God gives endurance and He gives encouragement - He leaves us lacking nothing - we just need to humble ourselves and ask.

God thank you for being slow to anger and full of compassion - At the end of the day I want to make You proud. and hear the words "Well done my dear one" May you be glorified in this broken vessel. I love you Jesus - Your daughter

Re Entry

Its been a week since we were in Masi. I miss it so, just got an email from Godknows - celebrating that we have a new sister in Christ - the mom who God gave a new shack to. She just received Jesus. we prayed and prayed that she would not remember us but that Jesus would be glorified and seen. another answered pray -


Our last meeting with the team in Africa we talked about re-entry. I listen but seriously thought that re-entry would be no big deal for me. I would slide back into life here and not miss a beat. I think that I was the most excited to get back into the football practices, and school and the rythem of our life as we are used to.

WOW - to be honest - i am struggling. we went to our high school football game the day we got back - Had the warmest welcome from our great community and family- we are so blessed!! Everyone asking "How was the trip?" I found/find myself fruserated with not being able to put into words what we expereinced and witness and what God is doing in our hearts.

The whole trip was about God's greatness - God working in and through us - broken people - that really have no clue on what to do. Each morning trying to gear up to enter into Masi - crying out to God to lead us by His spirit. To give us the mind, heart, hand and feet of Christ.

I want to scream "the God we serve, the Jesus we live for - He is for real!! we know that because everywhere we look He is there - in the despair - He is there - in the poverty and disease - He is there. I blogged before about God's glory being radiant everywhere. It is true.

It is not about going to church, we are the church, or the programs offered, or who has the best youth group or worship music, who has the best preacher. It is about getting alone with Jesus crying out to him getting in His Word, getting in a small community of other believers who are desperate for the Holy Spirit to invade every part of their being and going into the world with God's power, love and joy.

We are processing and praying through what God wants to continue to teach us. In Africa the darkness is evident - when the presence of Jesus comes in - his light is almost blinding, so radiant!! - here in the western world we live in darkness also, we just dont realize it as much because we have so many false "lights" Jesus can become just another light - but He is THE Light. - Jesus please let the scales fall from my eyes - let me see you and your ways. Let me be just as desperate for you here as I was in Africa, let me see my own weakness and let me not be swayed by the patterns of this world. Let me continue to walk in faith and not sight.

Two different worlds - Africa and America. God is the God of all nations. We can learn from each other. This life is a fight - In Africa it is a fight for life survial, here it is a fight to not fall into the patterns of the world.

I know that God is faithful to all that seek after Him. that is all He wants - For us to surrender to Him and His Ways - not because He is a mean God - but because His Ways are always for our best. He loves us more than our puny minds can imagine.

God I want to be more desperate for you - show me my desperate state. Help me not to be blinded to you by the false floursent lights and all the noise but let me set my eyes and on THE LIGHT - Fix my eyes on you, Jesus - you are my author and perfector of Faith.

HIGH and THE LOWS

of this expereince and God being in all of it. Cant believe that today is our last day in Masi. time flew by. The guys put the shack up for the single mom. Brad, michelle and Jeremiah were the heros - they tore the old shack down and the stench, cockroaches, black mold, and other creepy things were all in the rotten wood. It was so eye opening to see the reality of what people live in. Kevin, danmike, and our boys brought the new shack down to Masi in pieces. They had lots of help putting it together, watching the new house go up was so great. A new home for this single mom. May Jesus be glorified!!

WE met with Christina and Vovo on Friday. Vovo lives in the Wetlands, and we would go to simple church at her house twice a week. We never got real one on one time - our time with her was studying Gods word. Last Friday we met - just us girls, chelsea, julie, me, christina and vovo - and we got to know each other. vovo shared her story - she was married and her husband cheated on her and then came back HIV positive - giving it to her. So vovo is HIV positive now. she is no longer with her husband and she is caring for her four year old little boy. she is a wonderful mom - her reality is she lives in a tiny shack (8x8) she has no job to support herself and her son, and she is HIV positive. the tears ran hard on friday between all of us girls. what can we say - nothing - we sat with her, cryed with her, hugged her, and called out to Jesus on her behalf.

Vovo is a strong woman in the LORD - she told us that this life is a fight - and she knows it better than any of us. But since she has come to know Jesus (this past April) she is fighting for the Kingdom of God to continue to grow among the woman in Masi. When the guys were building the new shack for this mom - it was vovo out there helping and being an encourager to her. Vovo was so happy for her - and vovo like so many others could use a new shack also. You see i love what Missy Weisman just blogged - it is so true - sometimes we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to the poor and the oppressed - but they are always the face of Jesus to us.

I gained two new sisters in Christ over the last couple of weeks. Christina and Vovo. I have learned so much about Jesus. How can we spend only two short weeks together and have a heart full of love. It is only Jesus. You see - these are two woman that I would want to be like. They know real Joy and they know real Hope. I have a long way to go on both. Yes Vovo - this life is a fight - and you are doing it where it is so hard. YOu shine so bright.

Walking into Masi on the first day - i was naive and probably a little prideful - coming in to save the day - walking out of Masi on the last day - very humbled to have walked alongside these amazing people. I cant pretend to know what life is like for them, not even a little. I could walk down from my beautiful team house into MAsi, stay for a few hours and leave. I type with tears streaming down my face. I have learned so much from them.

So much to process and pray through. I know that God is breaking our hearts over what breaks His. And i want him to continue to work on my heart. our hearts desire is grow in the knowledge and love and power of our SAviour Jesus and continue to see more and more what the kingdom of God is suppose to look like in our lives.

There is so much more to share and I will use this space to process and tell more stories and testify to the goodness of God. This has been a life changing experience. Words cant describe all that we saw, felt,and witnessed. Surely the LORD had His hand on this trip. TRuly amazing to walk with HIm.

SNAPSHOT

into the lives of the people that God has put into the lives of our team.

Porsha - single mom from Zimbabwae - new believer - celebrated her sons 1st birthday yesterday, praying for the lump on her breast which is now shinking (keep praying) she her give her life to the LORD and seeing God building her up into a strong leader for the women in Masi. Helped her started a knitting business and she her pour herself into this and seeing her reap the benefits of her hard work. Also watching her be a blessing and offering hope and help to the women in her community. Only Jesus.

Stella - a young girl from Zimbabwae - just had a baby two weeks ago - so scared and no place to live b eing a new mom is scary in and of itself but under her conditions of literally being in a foreign land and homeless with no one. She left her newborn son in a field and God miracously rescued this baby and has since reunited Tommy with his mom Stella. Watching Porsha give what little she has to Stella, and seeing All Nations come around Stella and teach her the basics about being a mother (to burp your baby) when to feed - Pray that through all this she meet Jesus. Her real hope.

Tasaborse - The young mom who has aids and lives in a mud hole practically with her two small children. God is using us/you to give her a whole new shack (thank you friends and family)

Elios - Zim man who Kevin has been meeting with - he is seperated from his wife and two kids - they re still in Zimbabwae. not $ to get them here. his heart aches to be reunited with them. He loves the LORD though and finds His hope and strength in him. He has been a blessing to get to know.

Godknows - 17yr old orphan who is looking for a way out of Masi - Has been hanging with our group and we are praying that he would find work and that God would continue to build him up into a leader of Africa.

Henry - A man that Jeremaih and Brad are meeting with - he is from Zimbabwae also, he is a believer - he is seperated from his family also and he just got word a couple of weeeks ago that his two year son died in Zim. He longs to go back but cant.


Pacoma - an abused teenage girl who left her home and is living with another family. Looking for love and guidance.

There are many more people that we have met. and they all have a story along these lines.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed yesterday with all of it and then we came together as a group and sang and laughed. The kids are a greace to us because they love to have fun and they help us not take ourselves to serious. God didnt ask us to save the world - Jesus did that - we just need to be faithful to bring the joy and love of Jesus to the lost and then lay it at the cross. Such a rich time. Makes me so grateful for home and what God has belssed our family with. Family and friend who love us and who are journeying with us, our home and our community, our schools - education is such a gift, jobs - health - but the most important is JESUS - just give me JESUS. We are experinceing His love, grace, strength and miracoulous powers each day. It is a rich time - hard at times yes - but so rich. We love you - Marcy