It has been a long time since i wrote in this space. I have tried a couple times to post an entry but got distracted. Distraction has been a huge issue that i have been dealing with lately and i dont like it.
Today is the first snow fall - and it is cold. Im sitting in my living room with my two dogs enjoying the quiet and the warmth of the fire.
So much has been going on - in our heart (kevin and I). It feels like everything is changing around us and in us and it is exciting but for me very scary.
I am learning about myself that when I am introduced to something new from God i am like a deer in the head lights - I stand and shut down. That is why i need to proclaim Hab3:19. I am a creature of comfort and sameness.
I thought that when I came back from Africa - because getting me there was a journey in and of itself - i could settle back into life as usually - in fact i told a friend of mine - i cant wait till i dont have anything huge lingering over me - i want to live a "normal" life again. Be normal - be a "football mom" be active in my church and school and just get back to "normal".
So that is where I have been living in the past couple of months. And not even to say that it is a bad place - but what I have done is I havent been quiet before God - I havent expressed the desires of my heart, and God has opened my heart and eyes to things, that are now very much part of who i am and so really what is "normal" now. I have stone walled the dreams He has put there because to be frank - im tired and some of these dreams are way out there. so this is what i do - i dont want to go back to who i was - but im scared to make a move ahead because i dont know what that is - so i just sit. And I miss Jesus.
Kevin called me this morning from work and said - you got to listen to the song on the radio "Im coming home". And he reminded me in his sweet voice that todays a new day.
This post may sound like i am depressed - i dont feel depressed nor do i think i am but i also believe that that the devil will use depression, dissension and doubt and distraction to play games with Christ followers. I am dealing with the disatraction and doubt and i need to be at the feet of Jesus to have him replace my doubt with faith and i nned to "be still and know" Jesus quiet my mind - i pray for the mind of Christ. help me to take every thought captive and help me kmake them line up with Christ.
Yesterday at church we read the story of mary when she broke her alabaster jar of perfume on Jesus. And how throughout the gospel story - it was mary who was at Jesus feet. Mary knew - really knew Jesus. SHe knew him as her Christ - her saviour - she knew what it was going to cost Jesus his own life when he raised Lazurus, her brother from the dead - she got it. and she didnt care what anyone thought of her - she was willing to be a fool for Jesus and give everything she had and laid it at his feet. She understood that she needed a Saviour and what love her saviour had for her. She didnt give him 99% of her life she gave everything.
Oh i want to be like her. i felt God whispering over me yesterday - marcy get rid of the "but" "God you can have everything BUT this".
And so as the song says "im coming home" im laying it all at Jesus feet. Search me and know me dear jesus. Help me to dream big dreams - help my family to dream big dreams to partner up with the Living Christ and go and be whatever you may. Help me once again to wal by faith and not by sight. God i need your courage. Thank you for using Steph yesterday to speak truth into me. thank you for pursuing me again and bringing me back home.
Help me to dream dreams that may happen soon or that may happen later but in the process learn to live in the here and now and live each moment despereate for you and seeking opportunity to be your messanger. Forgive my lack of faith and disobediant heart. God you, through your awesome grace, began a good work in me - please let me walk in obediance so that your work can be complete. THe things that you have taught me over the last few months LORD - seal it in me - i dont want that work to fade and I dont want it to be taken from me. I want to continue to grow in your WORD and your TRUTH.
God's mercies are new each day - and so today i will walk in his mercy and in his strength.
